stickupherforehead

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[Pearl's quiet. There hasn't been any squawking or reprimands or singing or humming for a few weeks now. Of course, it could easily be blamed on the arrival of the new baby and magnitude of the work involved. She couldn't bring herself to prepare beforehand (how do you prepare for the death of somebody like that?), and now she has had little to no time to learn an entirely new set of skills, ranging from actually taking care of the baby to working with Greg and trying to figure out how much responsibility to give him to make him feel like he's involved (but without freaking Pearl out).

She can't help that breaking feeling whenever she sees the baby's gem or those growing curls or that smile or those eyes. She knows well enough that the child doesn't deserve it, so. She stays quiet.]

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[her gem glows and the door opens to her room, though she doesn't walk in yet.]

About what, Amethyst?

I... I don't know. Stuff. Anything.

[ "I miss you", she thinks to say, and goes as far as parting her lips. But she sees the complete detachment in the stern line of Pearl's back, those pale eyes not even meeting her own... and Amethyst's mouth snaps back shut. ]

You're always holed up in your room. Don't you get bored? There's only so much meditating you can do, y'know. [ She tries to lighten her tone, cracking a hopeful smile. ] Your butt'll get numb.

[she sighs, sounding almost irritated. But at least it isn't a fake smile.] With the proper meditative techniques, one's butt, as you say, won't become numb.

[and she walks right in, sinking beneath the water and then reappearing at the top of the one of the pillars. The door doesn't close right away, so that's something.]

[ Amethyst's smile contorts into a frustrated scowl. Damn it, she screwed up, she said the wrong thing again--

But then, the way Pearl is now, it doesn't really seem like there's a right thing to say, or to do. The Pearl of before would've rolled her eyes and scolded her, but smile a little as she did it. But this Pearl just...

Ugh, the pillar thing. She has no idea how she does that, so she has no choice to hop her way up. It's a bit of a hassle, and it takes longer, but she catches up a few moments later.

Still, Amethyst can't help but wonder whether Pearl just did that in the hopes of shaking her off.

She probably did, huh. ]

[ Faced with Pearl's back once more, Amethyst mutters so quietly you could almost think it's to herself: ] ... Why do you hate me now?

[that gets her to turn around immediately, eyes finally meeting yours.]

What? No, I don't! Why would I - [the panic in her voice in reflected in her eyes. Was she so wrapped up in herself that she forgot about their (formerly) youngest gem?

And she's moving into a crouch, kneeling down. Eye level with you.] I don't, Amethyst.

[ Amethyst's shoulders hunch up, the close eye contact somehow more daunting than comforting. It puts her whole body on edge, and in her anxiety she can't keep all the things she knows she shouldn't say from slipping out. ]

Then why're you like this? [ Her voice is scratchy, climbing up with every word. ] I can never get anything right, everything I say just pisses you off, you never even want to see me anymore! Is it that much of a bother just to have me around? [ And then, the one biggest thing she really shouldn't say tumbles out-- ] Did you only ever put up with me because Rose wanted me here?

[the silence that follows is sudden. And then Pearl is getting loud too.] It's not about you, alright?? It was never about you!

[and hoo boy, she's flushing now. That was the exact opposite of what she meant to say.] I meant... [her shoulders are slumping and she's getting quiet again] ...that it's my fault.

... No, I know what you meant.

[ She turns away sharply, hissing out through gritted teeth: ] It's aaaall about you, isn't it? [ Her voice takes on a mocking sing-song. ] Special perfect Pearl. Rose liked you best, so you're the one who's hurting most without her. The rest of us don't matter.

[ Then she whips back around, the mane of her hair flaring out behind her as she screams-- ] Is that how it works, Pearl?!

Amethyst!! [and she's on her feet, breathing hard.]

I'm not... I'm not strong enough, alright?! I can't hold it together and I can't...! [she backs away another step, like she's looking for an escape route.]

[ Amethyst can feel a burning at the back of her eyes, but she matches Pearl's recoiling form with a step forward, body curved back to look up into her face. ] None of us are, that's why we have to stick together! But all you're doing is shut me out! How do you think we're gonna get through this?!

[she can't. She's turning away, blinking furiously, back ramrod straight and fists at her side.]

I don't know. I don't know anything. I'm - [lost. There's an ragged intake of breath instead.]

[ Amethyst's mouth opens and her hand instinctively reaches for Pearl, only to realize she has nothing to say, and that Pearl is sure reject any comfort she offers. Just like that, her teeth click together as she closes her mouth, and the extended arm drops limply to her side before ever making contact.

As angry as Pearl makes her, Amethyst wants to help. She wants to support her through this, to see her smile with her eyes again, even if just once. But she doesn't know what to do. There may well be nothing she can do. Turning her head into funny animals isn't going be any help, here. She's useless.

There's only one person Pearl wants to see right now, only one person who could make her happy again. And that's Rose.

Rose.

The realization settles like a pebble dropped into the ocean -- sending little ripples through the surface as its hits before sinking, slow and steady, downwards. It's incredibly simple, isn't it? If the person Pearl wants to see is Rose, then all she has to do...

Amethyst closes her eyes, feeling her limbs stretch and her hair curl and grow. Then she takes a silent yet markedly heavier step forward, and touches a much larger hand to the back of one bony shoulder. ]

[her eyes widen at the touch. That's familiar. Too familiar. When was the last time this had happened? Just a few short weeks ago? That's a drop in the bucket, compared to the millennia she has lived through. Haah. It's almost...kind of funny, how her heart (gem??) lurched at that touch. And how her emotions were completely ready to believe, despite what her head already knows.

Pearl is almost hyperventilating. Her shoulders are shaking from the strain of holding still.]

Amethyst. [she doesn't think she can take it if she turns around.]

[ Amethyst swallows hard. Pearl's shaking so much... was this a terrible idea? Should she stop?

Or is it that she still hasn't done enough?

She thinks she should say-- something, offer some reassurance or ask if this is okay, but Amethyst's voice is her own, and that's not what Pearl wants. So she seals her lips shut, and with another step forward, takes her slender frame into her arms. ]

[warmth. That's the first thing she registers. If she closes her eyes for a moment, she can almost -

But that's unfair, isn't it? To Amethyst.]

Amethyst. [her voice cracks, even as she stares fixedly at a distant point on the ceiling, ignoring any tears rolling down her cheeks.] Amethyst, we - I - love you for being you. Not anybody else.

[ Amethyst bites her lower lip, feeling wetness rise in her own eyes at the sight of Pearl's tears. She wants to believe those words so badly, her chest aching with the need, but--

She can't.

Her hold on Pearl tightens as her arms go stiff, face pressing into her hair. ]

... You don't let me do this when I'm me.

[she sniffs, drawing in a hiccupy breath. She can't bring herself to break out of your hold.]

Amethyst, please. [she wants to look at you, but if she does, she'll go to pieces.]

[ She scrunches her (Rose's) eyes shut, and her (Rose's) always-soft hands clench into fists around Pearl's dainty forearms. Her (Rose's) round, sloping shoulders quake, and her (Amethyst's) voice is raspy and taut and ugly, cracking at the edges-- ] Please what? Just tell me and I'll do it!

[she flinches at the tightening grip, but then turns her head to you. Over to the right and up. It should have been easy, but the second it took might have well been an eternity.]

I just want you to be you. [if anything, she's shaking even more]

[ Her face contorts in a way Rose's face never should, and she weakly protests-- ] But, but...

[ But you love her more. Not that it matters, does it? Amethyst can't really be Rose. She can't make this better. That was the only thing she could think to do, and it was a mistake, too. Like everything she does. Like her.

Amethyst's arms fall limp from around Pearl, and the shimmering surface of the pillar draws nearer as she shrinks back into her own form. Her hair falls in a mess over the side of her face again, but even with her head tilted down, it can't quite obscure the wet trails streaking her cheeks. Her nose is running already, and Amethyst sniffs hard, promptly clogging her throat with mucus.

God, she's so pathetic. ]

Ungh...

[Pearl falls to her knees and then immediately reaches out, hand on your wrist. Even if you're technically not a child anymore, she's going to try and pull you into her lap for a hug. Tears and mucus and all. Hers and yours.]

[ Amethyst is swept up into Pearl's lap like she's weightless, and then her arms are around her again, clinging as if her life depended on it. Within moments the front of Pearl's shirt is stained with tears and snot, but Amethyst won't let go until she's absolutely made to. ]

I can't. [ She mumbles into the fabric, small at first, but with increasing franticness. ] I can't lose both you and Rose, I can't do it. I can't be all alone, okay?!

[arms wrapping around you tight, body curling around yours, face buried in your hair. Pearl isn't letting go either.]

I'm here, Amethyst. I'm going to be here forever, with you and Garnet and - [a shaky breath] and Steven.

[a smaller voice] I'm sorry I left you alone. I hope you can forgive me.

[all wrapped up in her own grief and barely functonal. What a joke she is.]

[ Forever. That's a good promise. Amethyst would like to hold onto that. She presses herself closer still, as close as she can. ]

Okay.

[ A hiccup, followed by a sniff. ] ... 'msorry.

Me too. [the hand on your back has started rubbing soothingly] I'm sorry as well.

[for forcing your hand. It's stupid, how she'd just assumed everything will be fine (or at least survive) as long as she did her duty towards the baby.]

We'll be fine. It'll be alright. [whether she's saying that for your benefit or hers is up in the air.

Also she's really glad Rose didn't make any sort of promises of that magnitude.]

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